Yes, I know, it's been a while, but I think you'll quite enjoy this one.
We all know there's a lot of bread out there and we all have our own dialectic words for various shapes and sizes, so I thought we'd ask Mr. Warburton where he stands on the matter:
Dear Mr. Warburton,
Good day to you and beseeching that you take not to displeasance though I write to you about a most awful problem.
I was wandering the galleries of the East Wing the other day and I chanced upon my Uncle Nick, loitering suspiciously in the vicinity of my Father’s favourite suit of armour, in the 4th Antechamber.
Conversation, as I’m sure you can imagine, soon drifted from medieval warcraft to bread and we found ourselves perplexed by almost unimaginable semantic horrors, the likes of which only you may be able to help unwind.
We started with the humble bread roll (which I feel we should qualify is soft, round and about the right size for a sandwich (although, just to confuse matters, we like our sandwiches quite large up here in the far North)).
Anyway, Uncle Nick insists that this is a cob, whereas I say it is a bap. If it was any smaller, I reckon it would just be a roll, but we’re unsure as to whether it would actually be a batch. Having said that, it could be a bun, but we think perhaps it would have to be pre-cut for burger purposes to properly qualify.
I think it would have to be bigger to be a cob, but Uncle Nick reckons that would be a stottie. I argued that a stottie is flatter than a cob, but he thinks that would be an oven bottom, whereas my argument is that a cob is more of a round loaf.
Uncle Nick, of course, disagrees, and thinks this would be a scuffler. I think he’s a fool, though, because we all know that a scuffler is more rhomboid than round, not unlike a nudger. This caused more problems, as Uncle Nick thinks a nudger is finger-shaped.
Naturally, I pointed out that that would depend on its dimensional ratios, pointing out that a 3:1 length:width ratio would imply a finger bun. He thought it would be more of a torpedo roll, but actual torpedos have a ratio nearer to 5 or 6:1, though we’re unsure at which point it would become a baguette (the bread, not the torpedo).
Incidentally, we did just consider calling them all ‘bread’, but thought that if we were going to go down that route, we may as well just use rundstykker.
I hope you can help us out and I look forward to your wise words.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Hollyoaks in 'unrealistic' shocker.
As promised, things have started moving along again here in Blog-town and, as usual, feel free to submit any ideas or complaints to the e-mail addresses to your right. This one was the result of a recent episode of Hollyoaks and a recently completed first aid course.
If this is your first visit for a while, you might also want to read the Dorito's email from the other day. No reply yet, though. :-(
Enjoy.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in order to raise a concern about an element of a recent episode of Hollyoaks. I was watching yesterday’s preview programme on E4, so it was the episode dated today, the 24th of November.
The scene in question involved Jack Osbourne (who my Daddy tells me was a copper before he turned to international criminal mastermindery), his long-suffering wife Frankie, Steph Cunningham (whose huge hole in the head and epilepsy both seem to have cleared up quite nicely), Jake Dean (yet another Hollyoaks criminal) and Loretta the pole dancer (I didn’t even realise Poland had a national dance, but my Daddy tells me it’s excellent and that he’ll take me to see it when I’m a bit older). In the scene, Frankie choked on Jake’s chicken and had to be saved from the brink of death by Loretta.
So anyway, despite being in my formative years and, consequently, being of a relatively diminutive stature, I am a qualified first aider. As part of the course, I was taught how to deal with someone who is choking. In short, one asks the choker to cough; if they are unable to do so, one leans the choker forward and delivers 5 firm blows, with the heel of the hand, to the centre of the back. If these are unsuccessful, one resorts to the abdominal thrusts shown in your programme (we used to call it the Heimlich Manoeuvre, but Dr Heimlich might have been fibbing a little bit about his involvement in its development so we just stick with abdominal thrusts now).
My concern is that your programme did not follow the proper procedure, which could endanger choking victims should viewers assume that what you are demonstrating is acceptable form.
I look forward to your comments.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
If this is your first visit for a while, you might also want to read the Dorito's email from the other day. No reply yet, though. :-(
Enjoy.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in order to raise a concern about an element of a recent episode of Hollyoaks. I was watching yesterday’s preview programme on E4, so it was the episode dated today, the 24th of November.
The scene in question involved Jack Osbourne (who my Daddy tells me was a copper before he turned to international criminal mastermindery), his long-suffering wife Frankie, Steph Cunningham (whose huge hole in the head and epilepsy both seem to have cleared up quite nicely), Jake Dean (yet another Hollyoaks criminal) and Loretta the pole dancer (I didn’t even realise Poland had a national dance, but my Daddy tells me it’s excellent and that he’ll take me to see it when I’m a bit older). In the scene, Frankie choked on Jake’s chicken and had to be saved from the brink of death by Loretta.
So anyway, despite being in my formative years and, consequently, being of a relatively diminutive stature, I am a qualified first aider. As part of the course, I was taught how to deal with someone who is choking. In short, one asks the choker to cough; if they are unable to do so, one leans the choker forward and delivers 5 firm blows, with the heel of the hand, to the centre of the back. If these are unsuccessful, one resorts to the abdominal thrusts shown in your programme (we used to call it the Heimlich Manoeuvre, but Dr Heimlich might have been fibbing a little bit about his involvement in its development so we just stick with abdominal thrusts now).
My concern is that your programme did not follow the proper procedure, which could endanger choking victims should viewers assume that what you are demonstrating is acceptable form.
I look forward to your comments.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Monster Munch fingers. (With reply!)
I know, I know, you've all been wondering what on earth had happened to the blog. I've just been really busy at work, and I don't have much spare time, so I haven't really been able to post anything.
Anyway, hopefully things are settling down a bit now and I'll be able to post the odd thing here and there. Obviously, we're still open to suggestions for things to complain about as well, so feel free to e-mail your ideas in to either me or Jackson.
Anyway, here's an e-mail to the Doritos people (I had already used a comments box on the website to request an e-mail address, which is why I knew the name of the person I was e-mailing):
Hi Rhiannon,
Are you named after the Fleetwood Mac track of the same name?
Anyway, my query is as follows:
I am writing in order to bring to your attention a rather disturbing occurrence with which I require some assistance from your flavour development team.
Oh, while it’s on my mind, is there any chance of you doing some ham and pease pudding flavour crisps? That would be awesome! Oh, and if you can get them out in time for my next birthday (24th of July), that would be double awesome (or whatever it is us kids are saying these days).
Right, anyway, back to the problem. I was eating some ID3 flavour Doritos recently, which my Father had lovingly purchased (along with some hot dip; whatever happened to the Extra Hot?) for me to eat while watching Japanese horror movies with him in the West atrium that evening.
Now, I’m sure people have already complained that they clearly taste nothing like chicken balti and everything like beefy Monster Munch, albeit with a few additional spices, so you’ll be glad to know that that is not the nature of my concern.
What does concern me is that, once the evil Japanese spirits had been vanquished to the netherworld, I retired to my en suite washroom to cleanse before bed. Having washed my hands thoroughly (and brushed my teeth, of course; this level of commitment to oral hygiene is why my Father still has no fillings, apparently), I noticed a faint smell of beefy Monster Munch and, on smelling my fingers, realised that the antibacterial handwash I use had not removed the smell of the crisps. “How odd”, I thought.
Anyhoo, 2 days, and several hand washes (not an OCD amount, but a good few) later, my fingers still smell faintly of Monster Munch (or chicken balti; whatever). Do your flavour development people have a recommended method of removing this smell, or am I to spend the rest of my days repelling potential lady-friends with the smell of stale Monster Munch on my hand?
Thank you in advance of your invaluable assistance.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
Reply from Rhiannon dated 26th of November
Dear Jackson
Thank you very much for your interesting email, please accept my apologies for the delay in my response.
We are so pleased to have received your email saying how much you would like to see a ham and pease pudding flavour crisps in the range.
Adding new flavours to our current range is always a really difficult decision and one that our Marketing Development Teams and their agencies face everyday. They understand that everyone has their own individual ideas and unique taste buds, giving endless choices and combinations of flavours!
One thing you can rely on is that we will always do our absolute best to bring you a wide variety of amazingly tasty, top quality products that are hard to resist. When you get time please take a look at our website for all the latest product information and exciting new promotions.
I'm sorry to learn that your hands were left smelly after eating our latest edition iD3 flavour Doritos, we are always very happy to receive consumer feedback and please be assured that I have forwarded your comments on to our Marketing Team for their attention.
Thank you very much for your enquiry. We place enormous value on the views of our consumers.
Kind regards
Rhiannon
p.s. I was not named after the Fleetwood Mac song! (still a good song though)
Anyway, hopefully things are settling down a bit now and I'll be able to post the odd thing here and there. Obviously, we're still open to suggestions for things to complain about as well, so feel free to e-mail your ideas in to either me or Jackson.
Anyway, here's an e-mail to the Doritos people (I had already used a comments box on the website to request an e-mail address, which is why I knew the name of the person I was e-mailing):
Hi Rhiannon,
Are you named after the Fleetwood Mac track of the same name?
Anyway, my query is as follows:
I am writing in order to bring to your attention a rather disturbing occurrence with which I require some assistance from your flavour development team.
Oh, while it’s on my mind, is there any chance of you doing some ham and pease pudding flavour crisps? That would be awesome! Oh, and if you can get them out in time for my next birthday (24th of July), that would be double awesome (or whatever it is us kids are saying these days).
Right, anyway, back to the problem. I was eating some ID3 flavour Doritos recently, which my Father had lovingly purchased (along with some hot dip; whatever happened to the Extra Hot?) for me to eat while watching Japanese horror movies with him in the West atrium that evening.
Now, I’m sure people have already complained that they clearly taste nothing like chicken balti and everything like beefy Monster Munch, albeit with a few additional spices, so you’ll be glad to know that that is not the nature of my concern.
What does concern me is that, once the evil Japanese spirits had been vanquished to the netherworld, I retired to my en suite washroom to cleanse before bed. Having washed my hands thoroughly (and brushed my teeth, of course; this level of commitment to oral hygiene is why my Father still has no fillings, apparently), I noticed a faint smell of beefy Monster Munch and, on smelling my fingers, realised that the antibacterial handwash I use had not removed the smell of the crisps. “How odd”, I thought.
Anyhoo, 2 days, and several hand washes (not an OCD amount, but a good few) later, my fingers still smell faintly of Monster Munch (or chicken balti; whatever). Do your flavour development people have a recommended method of removing this smell, or am I to spend the rest of my days repelling potential lady-friends with the smell of stale Monster Munch on my hand?
Thank you in advance of your invaluable assistance.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
Reply from Rhiannon dated 26th of November
Dear Jackson
Thank you very much for your interesting email, please accept my apologies for the delay in my response.
We are so pleased to have received your email saying how much you would like to see a ham and pease pudding flavour crisps in the range.
Adding new flavours to our current range is always a really difficult decision and one that our Marketing Development Teams and their agencies face everyday. They understand that everyone has their own individual ideas and unique taste buds, giving endless choices and combinations of flavours!
One thing you can rely on is that we will always do our absolute best to bring you a wide variety of amazingly tasty, top quality products that are hard to resist. When you get time please take a look at our website for all the latest product information and exciting new promotions.
I'm sorry to learn that your hands were left smelly after eating our latest edition iD3 flavour Doritos, we are always very happy to receive consumer feedback and please be assured that I have forwarded your comments on to our Marketing Team for their attention.
Thank you very much for your enquiry. We place enormous value on the views of our consumers.
Kind regards
Rhiannon
p.s. I was not named after the Fleetwood Mac song! (still a good song though)
Thursday, 15 October 2009
A glorious victory!
This started a while ago but, because it turned into a victory and it's been a while, I thought I'd give it a brand new post especially.
First, get up to speed by reading this.
So, there we were; no chance of avoiding the ticket. Or so we thought at the time. Anyway, I e-mailed the Council to ask a few questions:
E-mail to Newcastle City council dated 27th of July:
Dear Sir,
In response to your recent letter to my flatmate, I would like to know when you intend to repaint the double yellow lines in the ginnel which leads to the back lane behind my flat. I live at 180 Westgate Road. I would also like to know if you have any further plans to inhibit the misuse of the private parking spaces available to residents, on their private land, in the back lane.
In recent weeks, cars have begun parking on the virtually-invisible lines on a daily basis, causing a significant obstruction to residents who need access to their back lane, and without apparent punishment. Meanwhile, your parking enforcement officers have been applying tickets to residents to have been forced to park on the single yellow line in the back lane (where they park with consideration of the access of their fellow residents) because of non-residents causing obstructions and unlawfully using their private spaces.
Also, could you provide me with information regarding the lengths we, as residents, are allowed to go to to enforce the lawful use of our private parking spaces. For example, would I be right in saying that we can clamp vehicles parked on our private property, without a licence, provided we do not charge a release fee? Alternatively, are we able to contract an enforcement company to act on our behalf? Or even, can you provide information about how I could apply for a clamping licence, so I can clamp in the back lane on behalf of myself and the other residents?
Thank you in advance of your assistance.
Kind regards,
Chris J. Spithray.
Response received the same day:
Mr. Spithray,
I understand that there is an irregularity with the legal status of the waiting restrictions (yellow lines) at the rear of your property. This anomaly is restricting the level of enforcement which we would like to maintain in this area.
However, measures are being taken to ensure that this problem is being rectified at the earliest opportunity.
At present, the city council does not use wheel clamping to control parking on the public highway. I understand that several agencies may offer this service for you on private property and you may wish to consult with them regarding the legal status or conditions.
Frank Hume
Senior Engineer
This all came as a bit of a surprise, given that the waiting restrictions at the rear of our property are exactly where the ticket in question was issued. All of a sudden, me asking a couple of follow-up questions, as a concerned resident, may have given us a loophole to take advantage yet. There's hope for us yet:
E-mail back to Frank on the same day:
Hi Frank,
Thank you for your prompt response to my queries. However, I have a couple of more specific issues which you have not yet addressed.
First of all, I was asking about the repainting of the double yellow lines in the ginnel between the houses, leading onto the back lane. The ginnel is particularly narrow and the fact that cars have been parking there recently is causing problems with access, particularly for those with slightly larger vehicles.
Also, I would be interested to hear more about the irregularity with the legal status of the waiting restrictions in the back lane. Currently, your enforcement officers are continuing to issue tickets to cars parked on the single yellow line and I'm sure you'll agree that knowingly issuing legally dubious tickets (particularly to council tax paying local residents forced to park there due to the poor maintenance of other restrictions) is not entirely ethical. Presumably it would be better to withdraw these tickets now, rather than risk a costly legal wrangle at a later date (I know of at least one, currently unpaid, ticket issued within the last fortnight).
Thank you again for your speedy assistance.
Regards,
Chris.
Frank might have got himself into a spot of bother had he told anyone about this, so needless to say I didn't get another reply. However, he had already given me enough ammo to re-appeal against the issue of Beth's ticket:
E-mail to Newcastle City council dated 29th of July:
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to a recent letter from your department in which it is stated that "I have considered your submissions in light of the statutory grounds of appeal against a PCN and I do not believe that they fall within any of those statutory grounds."
I was also interested to note that it also stated that "The PCN was issued as your vehicle was parked in a restricted street controlled by yellow line restrictions. As a result of this I am satisfied the PCN has been issued correctly."
After I received this letter, my flatmate e-mailed your department to ask for a provisional timescale with regard to the repainting of the yellow lines in the ginnel and to raise other concerns about the restrictions in the back lane and the abuse of our private, residential spaces by members of the public. He received a reply from Frank Hume in which he stated, "I understand that there is an irregularity with the legal status of the waiting restrictions (yellow lines) at the rear of your property. This anomaly is restricting the level of enforcement which we would like to maintain in this area."
My flatmate has since contacted Mr Hume again with regard to this "irregularity" and the continued issuing of tickets in this area but has, as yet, not received a reply.
As the 14-day period for reduced payment is coming to an end, I can no longer wait for Mr Hume to reply to my flatmate and am therefore sending this e-mail in order to officially query the legal status of the PCN issued on my vehicle, specifically with regard to whether or not you can state, for the record, that it is properly issued, legal and enforceable.
I look forward to your comments.
Kind regards,
Elizabeth A. Stothard.
This e-mail was quickly followed by an automated response saying we would receive a written reply once the matter had been considered.
We hoped, at this point, that we'd done enough to put the shits up them and put them off following up the ticket and, as the days, and eventually weeks, passed, we hoped that they were just going to let the ticket disappear under the carpet to avoid anyone getting into trouble.
Eventually, Beth did get a letter (which she promptly lost) and needless to say we were thrilled when we read something along the lines of "After considering your appeal, we have decided not to proceed with the ticket on this occasion".
Woop! Woop! Another victory for spithray.com and more proof, if it was needed, that it's always worth having a good old complain. Or, if you can't be bothered, send it to me and I'll do it for you. :-)
First, get up to speed by reading this.
So, there we were; no chance of avoiding the ticket. Or so we thought at the time. Anyway, I e-mailed the Council to ask a few questions:
E-mail to Newcastle City council dated 27th of July:
Dear Sir,
In response to your recent letter to my flatmate, I would like to know when you intend to repaint the double yellow lines in the ginnel which leads to the back lane behind my flat. I live at 180 Westgate Road. I would also like to know if you have any further plans to inhibit the misuse of the private parking spaces available to residents, on their private land, in the back lane.
In recent weeks, cars have begun parking on the virtually-invisible lines on a daily basis, causing a significant obstruction to residents who need access to their back lane, and without apparent punishment. Meanwhile, your parking enforcement officers have been applying tickets to residents to have been forced to park on the single yellow line in the back lane (where they park with consideration of the access of their fellow residents) because of non-residents causing obstructions and unlawfully using their private spaces.
Also, could you provide me with information regarding the lengths we, as residents, are allowed to go to to enforce the lawful use of our private parking spaces. For example, would I be right in saying that we can clamp vehicles parked on our private property, without a licence, provided we do not charge a release fee? Alternatively, are we able to contract an enforcement company to act on our behalf? Or even, can you provide information about how I could apply for a clamping licence, so I can clamp in the back lane on behalf of myself and the other residents?
Thank you in advance of your assistance.
Kind regards,
Chris J. Spithray.
Response received the same day:
Mr. Spithray,
I understand that there is an irregularity with the legal status of the waiting restrictions (yellow lines) at the rear of your property. This anomaly is restricting the level of enforcement which we would like to maintain in this area.
However, measures are being taken to ensure that this problem is being rectified at the earliest opportunity.
At present, the city council does not use wheel clamping to control parking on the public highway. I understand that several agencies may offer this service for you on private property and you may wish to consult with them regarding the legal status or conditions.
Frank Hume
Senior Engineer
This all came as a bit of a surprise, given that the waiting restrictions at the rear of our property are exactly where the ticket in question was issued. All of a sudden, me asking a couple of follow-up questions, as a concerned resident, may have given us a loophole to take advantage yet. There's hope for us yet:
E-mail back to Frank on the same day:
Hi Frank,
Thank you for your prompt response to my queries. However, I have a couple of more specific issues which you have not yet addressed.
First of all, I was asking about the repainting of the double yellow lines in the ginnel between the houses, leading onto the back lane. The ginnel is particularly narrow and the fact that cars have been parking there recently is causing problems with access, particularly for those with slightly larger vehicles.
Also, I would be interested to hear more about the irregularity with the legal status of the waiting restrictions in the back lane. Currently, your enforcement officers are continuing to issue tickets to cars parked on the single yellow line and I'm sure you'll agree that knowingly issuing legally dubious tickets (particularly to council tax paying local residents forced to park there due to the poor maintenance of other restrictions) is not entirely ethical. Presumably it would be better to withdraw these tickets now, rather than risk a costly legal wrangle at a later date (I know of at least one, currently unpaid, ticket issued within the last fortnight).
Thank you again for your speedy assistance.
Regards,
Chris.
Frank might have got himself into a spot of bother had he told anyone about this, so needless to say I didn't get another reply. However, he had already given me enough ammo to re-appeal against the issue of Beth's ticket:
E-mail to Newcastle City council dated 29th of July:
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to a recent letter from your department in which it is stated that "I have considered your submissions in light of the statutory grounds of appeal against a PCN and I do not believe that they fall within any of those statutory grounds."
I was also interested to note that it also stated that "The PCN was issued as your vehicle was parked in a restricted street controlled by yellow line restrictions. As a result of this I am satisfied the PCN has been issued correctly."
After I received this letter, my flatmate e-mailed your department to ask for a provisional timescale with regard to the repainting of the yellow lines in the ginnel and to raise other concerns about the restrictions in the back lane and the abuse of our private, residential spaces by members of the public. He received a reply from Frank Hume in which he stated, "I understand that there is an irregularity with the legal status of the waiting restrictions (yellow lines) at the rear of your property. This anomaly is restricting the level of enforcement which we would like to maintain in this area."
My flatmate has since contacted Mr Hume again with regard to this "irregularity" and the continued issuing of tickets in this area but has, as yet, not received a reply.
As the 14-day period for reduced payment is coming to an end, I can no longer wait for Mr Hume to reply to my flatmate and am therefore sending this e-mail in order to officially query the legal status of the PCN issued on my vehicle, specifically with regard to whether or not you can state, for the record, that it is properly issued, legal and enforceable.
I look forward to your comments.
Kind regards,
Elizabeth A. Stothard.
This e-mail was quickly followed by an automated response saying we would receive a written reply once the matter had been considered.
We hoped, at this point, that we'd done enough to put the shits up them and put them off following up the ticket and, as the days, and eventually weeks, passed, we hoped that they were just going to let the ticket disappear under the carpet to avoid anyone getting into trouble.
Eventually, Beth did get a letter (which she promptly lost) and needless to say we were thrilled when we read something along the lines of "After considering your appeal, we have decided not to proceed with the ticket on this occasion".
Woop! Woop! Another victory for spithray.com and more proof, if it was needed, that it's always worth having a good old complain. Or, if you can't be bothered, send it to me and I'll do it for you. :-)
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
We're making a gum! (With reply!)
Just a quick one, but I couldn't resist this after seeing the advert for Trebor gum again.
Hello.
I'm hoping you can settle an argument I've been having with my Dad.
That kid in the advert who blurted out that you were making a gum? You totally fired him, right?
Thanks for your help.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
Reply from Trebor dated 18th September
I am very sorry that our new advertising for was a cause of concern to you.
The new advertising to which you refer has generally been received very well by our consumers. The man who said we were launching a gum was meant to say this, this was an integral part of the advert and was deliberate.
As an internationally recognised company we continually strive to stay ahead of the competition by introducing new 'eye' catching advertising. Any change to a very successful advertising campaign will have an effect on the current and future buyers of Cadbury products. Fortunately for us the overall reaction to our advertising has been mostly positive.
As a caring company however we do understand your concerns and we will take them into consideration when the time comes to make new adverts.
Thank you for taking the trouble to contact us and for your interest in our advertising.
Charlie
Cadbury Consumer Relations Department
Charlie (from the chocolate factory), didn't really buy into the e-mail there, did he? I'm not even entirely show he had a clue what we were talking about, to be fair. Oh well, onwards and upwards.
Hello.
I'm hoping you can settle an argument I've been having with my Dad.
That kid in the advert who blurted out that you were making a gum? You totally fired him, right?
Thanks for your help.
Kind regards,
Jackson Spithray (aged 9).
Reply from Trebor dated 18th September
I am very sorry that our new advertising for was a cause of concern to you.
The new advertising to which you refer has generally been received very well by our consumers. The man who said we were launching a gum was meant to say this, this was an integral part of the advert and was deliberate.
As an internationally recognised company we continually strive to stay ahead of the competition by introducing new 'eye' catching advertising. Any change to a very successful advertising campaign will have an effect on the current and future buyers of Cadbury products. Fortunately for us the overall reaction to our advertising has been mostly positive.
As a caring company however we do understand your concerns and we will take them into consideration when the time comes to make new adverts.
Thank you for taking the trouble to contact us and for your interest in our advertising.
Charlie
Cadbury Consumer Relations Department
Charlie (from the chocolate factory), didn't really buy into the e-mail there, did he? I'm not even entirely show he had a clue what we were talking about, to be fair. Oh well, onwards and upwards.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
I want to be a Malteser. (With reply!)
I've marked this one as already 'with reply', but it was actually because of the reply that I decided to post it. It started with a simple question to the Maltese Government's Citizenship Department (as these things so often do). I expected them to write back and basically just say 'no', but, instead, they've set me a formidable challenge which, to be fair, I am unlikely ever to be able to complete. However, I was quite amused by it so I thoguht I would share it with you.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in the hope that you can help me attain citizenship of my ancestral homeland of Malta.
My great-great-great-grandfather, John Spiteri, was Maltese and travelled to Sunderland, UK, in around 1830. His inability to write was the source of my somewhat unique surname.
My father, John Spithray, has done extensive family history research and, as a result of this, I would like to recognise and celebrate my Maltese heritage by claiming citizenship of your lovely archipelago which, incidentally, I will be visiting in about 4 weeks time.
Could you please advise exactly which documents I would need to produce in order for my application to be processed successfully?
Thank you very much for your kind assistance.
Kind regards,
Chris J. Spithray.
Reply from Malta:
Sir,
Your e-mail hereunder refers.
From the contents thereof it would appear that if JOHN SPITERI (your great-great-great-grandfather) was born in Malta (early 1800’s?) you would be a fifth generation Maltese born abroad of ancestors born in Malta. Would this be correct?
In such a case and, in order to be able to submit an application for registration as a citizen of Malta, you would have to submit the following certificates:
1. your full birth certificate, that is, where the names of your parents also appear;
2. your father’s full birth certificate;
3. your paternal grandfather’s full birth certificate;
4. your paternal great grandfather’s full birth certificate;
5. your paternal great great grandfather’s baptismal certificate;
6. your paternal great great great grandfather’s (JOHN SPITERI) baptismal certificate;
7. your paternal great great great great grandfather’s baptismal certificate;
8. your parents’ marriage certificate;
9. your paternal grandparents’ marriage certificate;
10. your paternal great grandparents’ marriage certificate;
11. your paternal great great grandparents’ marriage certificate;
12. your paternal great great great grandparents’ marriage certificate;
13. your paternal great great great great grandparents’ marriage certificate.
This is rather a difficult task as you have to trace certificates before 1 January 1863 (when official records started to be kept in Malta) from Church records.
Moreover, it would have to be explained by documentary evidence how and when the surname SPITERI became SPITHRAY.
Regards
J Treeby Ward
Adviser
Citizenship & Expatriate Affairs
So, there you go. The hard part is finding 6, 7, 12 and 13 as they could be held in any of Malta's 359 churches.
Wish me luck.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in the hope that you can help me attain citizenship of my ancestral homeland of Malta.
My great-great-great-grandfather, John Spiteri, was Maltese and travelled to Sunderland, UK, in around 1830. His inability to write was the source of my somewhat unique surname.
My father, John Spithray, has done extensive family history research and, as a result of this, I would like to recognise and celebrate my Maltese heritage by claiming citizenship of your lovely archipelago which, incidentally, I will be visiting in about 4 weeks time.
Could you please advise exactly which documents I would need to produce in order for my application to be processed successfully?
Thank you very much for your kind assistance.
Kind regards,
Chris J. Spithray.
Reply from Malta:
Sir,
Your e-mail hereunder refers.
From the contents thereof it would appear that if JOHN SPITERI (your great-great-great-grandfather) was born in Malta (early 1800’s?) you would be a fifth generation Maltese born abroad of ancestors born in Malta. Would this be correct?
In such a case and, in order to be able to submit an application for registration as a citizen of Malta, you would have to submit the following certificates:
1. your full birth certificate, that is, where the names of your parents also appear;
2. your father’s full birth certificate;
3. your paternal grandfather’s full birth certificate;
4. your paternal great grandfather’s full birth certificate;
5. your paternal great great grandfather’s baptismal certificate;
6. your paternal great great great grandfather’s (JOHN SPITERI) baptismal certificate;
7. your paternal great great great great grandfather’s baptismal certificate;
8. your parents’ marriage certificate;
9. your paternal grandparents’ marriage certificate;
10. your paternal great grandparents’ marriage certificate;
11. your paternal great great grandparents’ marriage certificate;
12. your paternal great great great grandparents’ marriage certificate;
13. your paternal great great great great grandparents’ marriage certificate.
This is rather a difficult task as you have to trace certificates before 1 January 1863 (when official records started to be kept in Malta) from Church records.
Moreover, it would have to be explained by documentary evidence how and when the surname SPITERI became SPITHRAY.
Regards
J Treeby Ward
Adviser
Citizenship & Expatriate Affairs
So, there you go. The hard part is finding 6, 7, 12 and 13 as they could be held in any of Malta's 359 churches.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Winkelhorst vs. Tossington-Pott.
Updates as usual: Replies have been posted from Kayley at Orange and Preeti at O2. Also, the parking situation could turn out to be a famous victory for Spithray.com, but it's at a fairly fragile state at the moment, so I'm hanging back before I post anything; you'll have to wait a little while.
This new post is a letter I wrote for one of my lovely friends, who was having some problems with work she hadn't been paid for. It had been a good long while, the company have a bit of a reputation for ripping people off and Lara had all but given up on it, so we figured it was fair game to have a bit of a laugh with it.
I took a new direction with this one by addressing it from my new company, Symbiotic Lifestyle Management, so I hope you all enjoy it. No reply as yet and, to be fair, we're not expecting one, but, as it's now an ongoing legal wrangle, we can't use any real names, so I've come up with a couple of pseudonyms.
Dear Mr Tossington-Pott,
One of my clients, Cynthia Winkelhorst, has recently entrusted me with the responsibility of investigating the alleged theft of a piece of artwork she created.
The piece in question (still visible on the internet) was a design for a flyer to be used by your company as part of its marketing strategy for a ‘£10 entry, drink for free’ night at your nightclub on the 24th of January this year. It was part of a portfolio of work provided to you by Miss Winkelhorst at your request and on the agreement that designs used would be bought for £50 each, the one-off fee to include ownership of the design and to therefore include unlimited duplication and distribution.
Having agreed a design for use, the flyers were printed and used without payment to Miss Winkelhorst and, on further discussion, she was told that, as she had been 'on trial', there was no payment due. This, of course, is not an unusual path for club management types to take in order to avoid payment, as many unfortunate young people fall foul of the lack of contract and supposed 'trial period'. However, in this instance the lack of contract will be in Miss Winkelhorst's favour.
She can, of course, prove that the flyer is her work and that, therefore, right of ownership belongs to her, unless you can provide paperwork to prove that you have made an agreed payment for its use. She is, therefore, prepared to issue legal proceedings for the recovery of the cost, to her, of producing the work which we have approximated to 4 hours of work at her current, non-discounted, rate for graphic design of £45 per hour.
Alternatively, Miss Winkelhorst is prepared to accept a one-off payment of £50 to resolve this matter.
I look forward to your comments.
Yours sincerely,
Chris J. Spithray.
This new post is a letter I wrote for one of my lovely friends, who was having some problems with work she hadn't been paid for. It had been a good long while, the company have a bit of a reputation for ripping people off and Lara had all but given up on it, so we figured it was fair game to have a bit of a laugh with it.
I took a new direction with this one by addressing it from my new company, Symbiotic Lifestyle Management, so I hope you all enjoy it. No reply as yet and, to be fair, we're not expecting one, but, as it's now an ongoing legal wrangle, we can't use any real names, so I've come up with a couple of pseudonyms.
Dear Mr Tossington-Pott,
One of my clients, Cynthia Winkelhorst, has recently entrusted me with the responsibility of investigating the alleged theft of a piece of artwork she created.
The piece in question (still visible on the internet) was a design for a flyer to be used by your company as part of its marketing strategy for a ‘£10 entry, drink for free’ night at your nightclub on the 24th of January this year. It was part of a portfolio of work provided to you by Miss Winkelhorst at your request and on the agreement that designs used would be bought for £50 each, the one-off fee to include ownership of the design and to therefore include unlimited duplication and distribution.
Having agreed a design for use, the flyers were printed and used without payment to Miss Winkelhorst and, on further discussion, she was told that, as she had been 'on trial', there was no payment due. This, of course, is not an unusual path for club management types to take in order to avoid payment, as many unfortunate young people fall foul of the lack of contract and supposed 'trial period'. However, in this instance the lack of contract will be in Miss Winkelhorst's favour.
She can, of course, prove that the flyer is her work and that, therefore, right of ownership belongs to her, unless you can provide paperwork to prove that you have made an agreed payment for its use. She is, therefore, prepared to issue legal proceedings for the recovery of the cost, to her, of producing the work which we have approximated to 4 hours of work at her current, non-discounted, rate for graphic design of £45 per hour.
Alternatively, Miss Winkelhorst is prepared to accept a one-off payment of £50 to resolve this matter.
I look forward to your comments.
Yours sincerely,
Chris J. Spithray.
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